Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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