I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize