No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
