You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
only if we run a train.
done.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
