Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
