They should really pass out barf bags in church
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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