Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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