you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
