so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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