Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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