so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
