I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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