I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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