i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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