ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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