R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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