you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
