He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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