So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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