me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize