This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize