i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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