its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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