two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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