Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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