One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
