If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
