I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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