I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
