I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize