Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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