Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
