I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
