Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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