If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
