Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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