I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
