I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize