He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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