I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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