Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize