JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
