having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
