theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
