He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
