Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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