the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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