someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
