just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
