My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
