Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
