I can text with my tongue
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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