can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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