my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
