I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
