I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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