God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
