Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
