this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
