I think I died a long time ago.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He felt like a one man threesome
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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