On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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