she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
