walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
is that a dick in a sweater?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
