woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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