I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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