I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
